Show Up Anyway

Friends, I’ve been having some rough mental health days because of [gestures broadly], and it makes it harder to go about my day, to be present, and my body feels like I’m walking through molasses. I don’t pretend that it isn’t happening, and I’m grateful to the support systems in my life for allowing me the space to feel. And when I saw that it was my turn to write the Midweek Message, I thought about all the things [gestures broadly] that have contributed to my depression flaring up, and said, “Yeah, I have no idea what to say.” And that’s the truth.

So, as my brain chemicals are making it a bit difficult to form sentences, I’m going to utilize some of my very expensive therapy and engage in a bit of free writing. Welcome to my brain. These past few weeks have been a lot, like A LOT, a lot, and I mean it when I tell you that I don’t know what to say. There are some people who are afraid to say anything at all right now. And while I am a pastor, I am not always a vessel of wisdom in difficult moments, sometimes I’m just a person who is afraid like everybody else. What I do know is that I will show up anyway.

People have asked what we can do, but there is so much that is out of our control. I don’t want to focus too long on that, or… I can’t think of the word I’m trying to use, brain fog and depression does not words make. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to give too much of my energy, our energy, to the things we can’t control. Entertain, I think that’s the word I was looking for, I don’t want to entertain the feeling of helplessness when there is so much right in front of us. Like you, this church, our community. We’re not helpless, not with this many hands washing feet. Seasons like this will deplete us, because we are not indifferent to the suffering of the world. And when all that is destructive seeks to make us smaller, we find little ways to resist instead. We will show up anyway.

I used to get bullied a lot as a kid, and then it stopped. It stopped because I wasn’t alone, and I knew I was loved, and I liked who I was. When people told me my clothes were weird, I went out of my way to dress even weirder the next day. I did the exact opposite of what those people wanted, which was to make me invisible. Instead, I made sure they couldn’t ignore me. I made sure they knew every day that someone like me was part of their community. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we can resist in those same ways as a community. We keep showing up anyway. When food benefits are cut, we find more food. When laws target immigrants, we raise money for legal funds. When reproductive access is cut, we make contraceptives more accessible. What can we do? Look around you and keep showing up.